a moment this morn
A friend of mine this morning introduced to me the most epic human, however, not in real life. I’ve spent the last couple of hours sifting through her blog, her life, reading how she approaches every happening she encounters. When she loves someone, she loves someone unconditionally, passionately and sensually. When she listens to music, she feels unearthly - even sober. When she is alone, she is secure and content. When she wants to see the world, she does and she does so with an absolutely open consciousness. Reading through her stories and seeing how she approaches her life and ideologies and drugs and sex and spirituality and essentially her own personal paradigm - i found myself connecting with her without having even heard her voice. I’m not going to tell you who she is because i want her all to myself. She’s from berlin, speaks in 3 different languages and obviously has a fucked up sex life. I see parts of myself in her and i can’t wait to understand her more.
Today all I’ve been thinking about is whats happening in the next three days and what will be happening over the next week - i’m going to Europe- Rome and sicily. I’m meeting boy and things will be moving on up from there. Its been a fucking long 2 months, my body mind and soul are so ready. To distract myself i’ve been reading and writing a lot. I’ve been seeing a lot of live music and exploring different ways to stay connected and present without living in the future. But in saying that i think its good to look into the future, it gives you something to look forward to and an excitedness for absolute unknown. Oh - i also watched this insane film last night - its called kelly and victor, everyone do yourself a favour.
I recently got a new film camera, so i’ve been exploring my neighbourhood n documenting it. I’ve also been cooking a lot however its hard to cook with a broken hand - i fell off a skateboard two fridays ago at around 10pm in the city, by hyde park. There is nothing sexy about a cast but i got this bionic cast thang and its slightly more aesthetically appealing - i wonder how it will go down during sex..
Things are happy and lucky, there is nothing i would change right now. Im in a good headspace and indulging in every second of it. I’ve got a lot to look forward to right now, the stars are aligned in my favour. The age 17 has been the best year of my life, so many amazing humans have touched and tainted the way i go about things. I couldn’t be more grateful. Shits real and shits good. I’ll be going to my educational commitments now, coffee, reading, stalking and cigarettes have taken up my 80 minute bio class - damn.
I’m sorry that i had to lose my mind but people do it all the time
Nothing is original.
We seldom realize, that our private thoughts are not actually our own. Our own original idea is in fact not original. Already thought about. For we think in terms of memories or ideas that have already been thought. Our emotions are ones that have already been justified, objectified and have classifications and names. Excitement, sad, anxious… Our emotions are not original, they’re fragments of what has for centuries already been felt. Documented in the archives of humanities actuality. But, the question I have for the science is – how do we feel love? Or is love subjective? Love that brings us extreme elation. Love that is the basis of our existence. Without it, the future of humanity would be a myth.
In the absolute taxicab of mans creation I sit on the cusp of the harbor. I am below an iron bridge; it beats to the pounding of mans electrical creation. I admire the purple haze of the electro magnetic spectrum faulting. Faulting over the concrete weeds that envelop the earth. Over a society of existential entities that are simply the sum of DNA. I stand and watch them float by in the harbor, roll by in their objects of consumption, they rush to their next point of action. I wonder if they ever stop to not think, to not feel and just live in a state of being – that some call enlightenment. Just stop for a short time. Even just for a minute. Society is our extended mind and body, but if that is so, am I a part of society and is society a part of me?
But are we as parts of society, indeed a part of society? Or are we separate…We worry about being so individual and separate. We worry about not having the capacity to feel complete or present in this moment. We worry so much that we become a part of a collective of society that is obsessed with having the same identity! Obsessed with worrying. So I sit here, and watch the sky turn from purple to deep blue, I listen and I think. I think about how my thoughts are in fact not original, they’re just pieces - fragments of society.
il-a said: I freakin love reading what you write on here! That last thing you wrote was perfect.
Ah thanks! X
Its been a while since i’ve written and posted it on here, I’ve been writing a lot in a book that sits by my bedside table, although there are some things i’ll keep, just for me.
Where do i start? This year has definitely been the greatest year i’ve been alive. I can’t believe how fast its gone already. I’ve been so lucky to have had so many wonderful insanely beautiful people coming into my life and staying there. I think its important, to have those people that feed your mind and make you question, feel, understand and excite you. Without those people, things, life would be empty. I never really understood that happiness could be brought upon by other people, i always thought that the only person that could make me feel was myself, but thats not true; we need people to just be present, happy people, smiling people that you indulge in and they indulge in you.
This year has also been emotionally and intellectually stimulating. Living by myself half of the time, i have time and silence to think quite a lot. Its been soul enriching as I’ve finally learnt that self love and a healthy consciousness go hand in hand… I was talking to a friend about this the other day, a friend thats a bit more than a friend - We were speaking about how it is important to find inner peace in being alone and being content and comfortable in your own company. This is an idea that i feel really strongly about, it means you’re happy in your own skin and on a broader scale, it means you know the power of self love.
Living in the City again has been pretty damn enriching. I’ve seen and done things i wouldn’t be open to in Byron, however in saying that, Byron will always be my happy place and my home. Here, however, there are endless places to go, there are always art gallery openings and always live music to see. I think thats another thing I’ve found intensely enriching - live music. Its fucking food for the soul, its insane how much it enhances your serotonin endorphins. I feel freaking euphoric sometimes when i see and hear and dance and sing to it. That brings me to a few weekends ago, splendour.
Splendour this year round was possibly one of the best weekends of my life. Perhaps it was for one single reason, that i met someone who now holds the leavers to the centre of my world (right now), but i learnt things that weekend - after my brain finally started loving me again, ha - i learnt that it is important to embrace new people in your life, and learn from them. I learnt what it was like to establish an equal relationship with people - someone. I learnt how to indulge in another persons thoughts and stem my own thoughts from theirs. I learnt that dancing on top of two peoples shoulders will almost 100% of the time end up in you on the floor of a mosh pit with a bruise but i learnt how to fucking cherish funny happenings like that, cause you don’t get them every day. I learnt that serendipity is a real thing and that everything that happens to you, happens for a reason and that you should act off of what happens to you, who happens to you. Because from learning all of these things, I’ve grown emotionally and in some ways spiritually in that i now know how it feels to love and possibly, potentially, honestly be loved back.
Being another year older, i feel like I’m closer to doing what i know i am going to do. i’m going to help. I’ve explored concepts that i didn’t a year ago and i understand now how to let go of the leavers of the world and just flow, dotting my mark on this earth in the little things i do to make it a better place. I can’t wait to keep living like this.
I’ll start writing on here more, perhaps.
Finding love in Consciousness
When I started loving myself
I understood why I was given the opportunity
To understand why the little things matter
And I understood that every thing that happens, happens for a reason
And I found myself
Enjoying the natural colours that the earth provided us with
At all the stages of the day
When I started loving myself,
I understood how much it means to trust someone and to be trusted
I understood how it felt to be loved and I understood how to love more.
To love another, to love the earth, to love being passionate to love being given a gift every day
Because that’s what today is, it’s a gift
That no body can take away from you
When I started loving myself,
I realized how to let go
Of the things that placed a burden on my life
That I believed were truly vital to my existence
I recognized my emotional gains and my emotional grieves
They were warnings
To not live against my own truth
When I started loving myself, I stopped
I just stopped
And it was good to stop
And I still do sometimes, when its needed
I found enlightenment in knowing that I don’t need a higher power to be enlightened
And could see that everything around me was a request to grow
When I started loving myself I stopped worrying
I stopped depriving myself of happiness
Because happiness is to love
And to love it to be alive
I started writing again, I started being
When I started loving myself, I escaped from negativity
I stopped wanting to be always right and understood that everyone has their own opinion and to let them voice it
When I started loving myself
I didn’t worry about my future,
Because all we have is this moment
I found love in knowing I have a consciousness
And that overthinking is not always bad
It enhances our thought paths and reminds us that we have a working conscious
When I started loving myself, I decided there is no such thing as a definitive truth
There is only a perceived truth
An individual truth
And I decided to question my unquestioned curiosities
When I started loving myself
I remembered that we are products of what was once potential
And I remembered
We are just.
An adaptation from Charlie Chaplin love finding
in a post-modern form.
ohlookahenrydinher said: You are beautiful...
Ah, merci ! X